Flight

A picture is worth a thousand words

Haiku #8

yes I was bitter..
I now laugh at how I was..
but still I miss you..

COMPOSITION

I've been living in the past..
lost in the fine threads of time..
unable to define what is real..
from what I really want..

I still dream about us..
happily dancing beneath a sea of stars..
or under the pouring rain..
like a hopeless romantic would..

I'm fond of the cliches..
that make lovers' worlds turn round..
sometimes I wish it was all different..
maybe then it wouldn't hurt as much..

I remember the sound of your laughter..
were you truly happy then?
or was it a mockery of my emotions?
did I laugh with you and you laughed at me?

it's not that we were perfect together..
we were a disaster waiting to happen..
ours was a survival story..
or so I thought it would be..

so I believed in ever afters..
ever after miseries..
I'd rather be in pain than in love..
'cause at least the pain'll go away..

don't be surprised if I can't move on..
'cause for every step I take forward..
your memory makes me take a hundred back..
it's not that I can't, I just don't want to forget..

I know you still feel my presence..
those stolen glances of hidden admiration..
immobilized by the logic of restraint..
yet still longing for the promise of forever..

falling in love jumpstarts the poetry..
the license comes from getting hurt..
but it'll never be a good enough reason..
for you to say you can't be happy..

I'm really running out of words..
trying to find a way to end this silly piece..
but maybe, just maybe, the ending's not the answer..
for all endings are merely new beginnings..

WTF?

okay.. so this might look a little too shallow.. but the hell with it.. you don't know much how this affects me..

tae.. what right do you have to remove me from your friends list? and no.. not featured.. you never cared enough about me to put me there anyway, right? anyway.. tek! I have done everything I could to keep this relationship we have at a friendly level.. no matter how much pain you inflicted on me! I did my best.. damn it.. ikaw pa yung may ganang iwan ako? ikaw nanaman yung magwa2lkout?? sa tingin moh, sino ka ba?! just because I submitted myself to each and everyone of your stupid requests you think you can just keep stepping on me?! Never again.. Never Again!!

what.. you think just because of your position right now, you know what's wrong and right? I can tell you right now that you're no holier than I am!! you think you're doing the right thing by hurting me so much? what the hell happened to your Philosophy huh? nag-iisip ka pa ba?! you should know that two wrongs don't make a right.. and you sir, have done so many wrong things I can hardly believe that you still think you're in the right!

tama sila.. mahirap magmahal ng isang taong hindi marunong magmahal! I loved you.. so much so that I stopped loving myself.. I gave you everything.. now I want everything back.. everything.. it all meant something to me.. I wanted them to mean something to you too..

but you've proven to me that you're nothing more than just an insensitive little prick who could care less.. you never really cared.. you just toyed with my emotions.. and used me to pass your time.. anu yun? kung kailangan moh koh, lalapit ka? tapos pag ok ka na, wala na rin akohng halaga? I'm worth more than that! more than you could ever imagine, and more than you'd given me credit for..

maghintay ka lang.. I'll prove it to you.. I'll prove to you just how worthy I am after all!

Damn

It is hard for me to compose my thoughts when my heart can no longer withstand the pain I feel emotionally. It's been quite some time since I've managed to create a decent post. The best I could do were my Haiku's and even those were below my usual standards of post material. Usually, my afflictions would be the inspiration of my material but it seems as though I've lost the will to write, to compose, to draw. Everything is different now. I used to be able to channel all my sadness into something productive. I remember a time when I'd cook or bake just to relieve the pain. Now, nothing seems sufficient. Even as I am writing this, I can feel how unorganized and irrational the words are. It may describe what I am currently feeling or going through, but it does not embody me. It makes me want to ask, "When did I lose myself?"

Being productive in sadness has been therapeutic for me. Or doing something at least. Now, it's all empty; my works, my smiles, my life. They say that being able to talk about an experience, or put it into writing means that you've managed to get over it. This isn't really true for me right now. I'm not over it. But the difference is, I want to be.

I would never understand why he left me. I had done everything he had ever asked of me. Even sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of him. I once swore to myself that I would never let a man dominate me, or boss me around. I would never be so stupid as to willingly submit myself to a position where I am considered as the underdog. But I did. I ate my words and so willingly gave up my time, my efforts and my heart. Why? Because I trusted him. Trust had always been the foundation of our relationship. I trusted that he would never hurt me and in turn I was so willing to show him my vulnerability. Now I know I shouldn't have. I should've known that it was a promise that he was never going to keep.

It took me a while longer than my friends to realize what was happening. They had all been so supportive as to tell me that he wasn't worth it, or that I'm still young and there are many others out there anyway. But I closed my eyes, for I was so confident that it was just a phase we were going through and we could fix it. But I had to open my eyes eventually. Too bad I opened them a little too late.

There wasn't really anything I could do about it. I laid it all on the palms of his hands. I was always the one who had to adjust. Now, I have to adjust to the fact that he says he doesn't love me, or for that matter, didn't love me. Our mutual friends would tell me "he's just saying that to cover up his true feelings" or "just don't approach him and he'll be a wreck". I thank my friends for their concern but right now, I'm the wreck. Lies or not, his words still did the damage. Did he do it to purposely hurt me so I'd forget about him? Did he think that by hurting me I would leave him thus preventing a tragic future for both of us? Maybe. But how dare he? He has absolutely no right to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. He has no right to toy with my emotions and treat me like a little kid. They say that we experience pain to remind us to never do something again. In love however, that doesn't work. For no matter how much we get hurt, we still have to ability and desire to love again.

I don't even know why I did everything for him. Was it love? Perhaps. I once thought I had a clear concept of what true love is. Later I found out that it's even more blurry now than it was before. I'm sure that I do love him, but I am not certain as to what degree. I can not even give you a reason as to why I love him. Do we even need a reason to love? I think not. I never really loved him because he was this or that, I love him just because I do. I thought that was enough, I guess I was wrong.

I never even asked him to love me back. I never asked him to do anything for me. I was just happy, seeing him smile, knowing in my heart that he was happy too. The times we spent together, the memories, everything, did they really mean nothing to him? Why was it so easy for him to say "forget everything that's happened between us"? And how does he expect me to just throw away every precious memory I have of him? I can't help it if those moments were special to me. I can't believe it's not the same for him.

I can be angry. I can be raging mad right now. He was a jerk of all things. A numb, insensitive jerk. His moodiness was something I couldn't handle. One moment he missed me, the next, he was asking me to stay away. I had to be flexible enough to go along with all the sudden changes. I had been successful for the most part. But in the end I grew tired. It felt like he was constantly testing me, pulling my strings and pushing me to my limits. I realize now how pathetic I looked. I can be angry, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be bitter. But I'd have to ask, where was my dignity? Where was my pride? Where was I?

I never gave up though. I never left him for I promised I wouldn't. It was he who walked out on me. He pushed me away and left me hanging. What other choice do I have now but to give up too? I never gave up on him. I probably never will. But I am giving up on "us". That is, I'm accepting now that we could never be together. He doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. I will stay and support him though. He's also been a constant subject of my prayers. But that's all I can do now. I can only hope that even for just a moment, I became part of his life, and made a difference.

Haiku #7

worth it you were not..
but still I feel you with me..
loving, hating you..

Haiku #6

gave you everything..
never asked for you to love me..
you weren't worth it..

Summer

Although it's only the first week of April, summer vacation's pretty much gonna be over soon for us Nursing students of Saint Louis University. It's really my first time to not have a 2 month summer break, plus my sched, (BSN 1 - 2's schedule) doesn't look too good since our NSTP's at 12:00 pm - 3:00 pm. Can you imagine how hot the sun must be during that time? *sigh*

Anyway, although I've only had barely 3 weeks of vacation, it's really helped a lot. I finally got some decent sleep since I haven't been getting that during normal school days. Also, I've managed to clear my head and think.

It's not like i didn't experience problems during the vacation, it's just that it's not the school related problems that usually wrack my brain and exhaust my body. These were more of emotional ones.

I'm not gonna go into the intimate details of what I've done in these past three weeks. But I will say that I've tried to connect myself to God even more. It has always been in Him that I have confided my deepest thoughts and intimacies. It may have never been necessary to verbalize them all since I am well aware of His omniscience but I find that I feel so much better when I have a conversation with Him. Much like how a patient would talk to his shrink. (No, I am not at all crazy.) It is through my private conversations with Him that I am able to understand and survive the insanities brought about by reality.

Truth be told however, I am still lost when it comes to the answers of many things that boggle my mind. And my spirit becomes ever so restless. but as said in Jeremiah 29:11-12, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you," I trust that God will always be there to guide me, for I believe that He will never leave my side.

Haiku #5

feeling is futile..
loving you, it is a sin
so is happiness..

Haiku #4

sit still in the breeze
alone again, the wind howls
my tears do fall fast

MIDNIGHT

Seven days she says goodbye
but never means a word of her utterance.
She jumps down to feel the impact of the ground,
the fall itself serves as her daily morphine.
She laughs.

Her face, once as fine and fair as the moon’s light,
now lay disfigured, desecrated by her own two hands.
The scars are symbols of her pride
for the pain she feels is the only real thing left.
She laughs again.

Midnight, the bells ring incessantly in her mind.
Like a melody echoing through church walls
she finds the darkness ever so suitable
an embodiment of the solemnity of her thoughts.
She laughs more.

She sees beyond the light offered by pagans
and she declines the warmth of the blazing fire.
Her only salvation, it comes to her
in a black hooded cloak with a shimmering scythe.
She laughs harder.

She lays it all at his feet.
She breaks the chains that bind her to her mortality.
No tears are spent for she dearly loves to laugh.
One fell swoop is all it takes.
Her laughter echoes.

Silence.

As Art Is In Me

Hindi ba’t pareho lang naman kami?
Lalaki siya, babae ako.
Yun lang naman ang pagkakaiba.
Maliit lang naman di ba?
Mahal niya rin naman ako.
Tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya.
Hindi niyo iyon mapagkakaila.
Kailan man hindi niyo iyon mapagkakaila.
Hindi ba’t sa inyong mga mata,
Pati na rin sa mga mata ng iba,
Pareho lamang kaming dalawa
Na anak ng Panginoon?
Pareho kaming nagmamahal sa Kanya.
Kung ganoon naman pala,
Bakit hindi pwedeng lubusan naming
Mahalin ang isa’t-isa?
Kailan ba naging kasalanan ang magmahal?
Nagmamahal din naman kayo.
Hindi ba?
Dahil ba sa alagad siya ng Diyos?
Dahil ba siya’y isang haligi ng krus?
Ilang taon pa naman bago niya iwan ang lahat.
Hindi ba pwedeng
Sa panahon na iyon,
Akin na muna siya?

Will It Be Me?

Kalokohan, it would seem that that’s the only thing that Jodave is really, really good at. Nakakatawa. You wouldn’t expect him to be the type of person na sobrang gulo at maingay pala. When I first met him, I thought he was just so sweet, at ang gaan agad ng feeling ko sa kanya. If there really is such a thing as love at first sight, yun na yun. When I first saw him, I couldn’t stop looking at him. It felt as though we were the only two people in the room. Now that I look back to that day, I realize that it’s the clearest memory I have. Funny, since I didn’t even know him all to well at those moments. Actually, I don’t know him all too well now.

Ewan ko ba. No other guy has made me feel this way before. I feel completely, well, unexplainable. I find that the time I miss him the most is when we just parted ways 3 minutes before. I am at my happiest the day before I see him. And I am completely at peace when I am actually with him. I have everything I want to say ready before hand but in front of him, everything I’ve prepared melts away and I just blurt out random things on my mind. He makes me restless and leaves me wanting so much more and yet he can have me pacified with satisfaction. I don’t need anything to remind me of him, my memory just makes me remember it all no matter how forgetful I am. His spontaneity and irrationality makes me feel a certain security that I have never known before. And his smile, or even the most blurred version of it in my memory, makes me believe that everything’s gonna be okay. He doesn’t even have to tell me that things are going to work out, his mere existence is my assurance. Much like how I don’t need to hear from him that he loves me. His actions, they are enough to attest to that. For the first time, despite the fact that I am alone, I never feel lonely. Tang-ina, mahal ko nga siya.

Anyone who sees him would probably agree with me when I say isip-bata si Jodave. Despite his being 3 years older, it feels like I’m a lot more mature than he is. He laughs so boisterously, and moves like an animal set free from the zoo. It’s mean, but it’s true. Sobrang kulit, maingay, magulo at galawgaw. Haha. He’s such a kid, like he never grew up. He’s an actual slash modern Peter Pan. But I have found that he is not childish at all, but child like. It reminds of a story of a kid who was in this hospital. For as well as he could, the doctor explained to the kid that his blood was needed in order to save the life of his sister from a certain disease. They needed the blood of a family member who had previously contracted the same disease since that blood would already have the antibodies needed to battle it. With a trembling lip and a clenched fist, the child finally said yes. After his blood was drawn, the child asked the doctor softly, “when will I die?” The doctor then understood the trembling lip, the clenched fist, and his hesitance to give his blood. The kid was so sure that the drawing of his blood would mean his instant death. Yet he still had the courage to say yes so as to save his sister’s life. This kid demonstrates how children, no matter how vague, have this certain understanding of the things going on around them. They may not understand the situation in its complete context and actuality, but they are aware of everything that’s going on. I find this trait in Jodave. I thought he was so immature in handling this relationship. But I was wrong. He handles everything with a type of seriousness and responsibility that I have never seen before. It’s not that he doesn’t do anything about his problems, it’s just that he is mature enough to know what should and shouldn’t be done. He understands the consequences of his actions and subconsciously calculates what needs to be done. Perhaps others would say that he is a coward for he takes the easy way out and that he is weak for his lack of risk-taking. Undeniably I know I have. But I’ve realized that it requires a massive amount of strength to give up something you completely love for the sake of doing the right thing and that it takes a great deal of courage to face that fact that indeed, you may lose that one thing you love because of what you have done. In this view, Jodave to me becomes a cloak of complexity that I am yet to unravel. He holds this certain maturity that I probably will never understand. In the end, I realize that maybe he was right, maybe I really am immature.

Strange, it’s like I’m defending him even though it’s obvious that at the end of the day, it’s me who’s getting hurt. Martyr ba? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that this feels right and I’m not about to give up. This relationship has taught me so much already. I’ve learned to be satisfied with what I have and to not be so demanding. I’ve also learned to value every moment and every second of my life, for I know that we all can’t afford to waste our time considering how limited it actually is. I’ve also learned to leave just a little for myself because in the end, when all is lost, the one person I’ll have is me. This relationship has also taught me how to set my priorities and to not lose sight of the things that are important to me. Lastly, I have come to comprehend what the true meaning of ‘I miss you’ is, and how special the words ‘I love you’ really are. All these in two months, and I have a feeling that I’m about to learn more.

The sad thing in all this is, no matter how happy I am right now, I know that time will come when I will become absolutely hurt. Just as Jodave has often said, there is a wall between us, and it is something that we both can not touch for doing so might mean the destruction of our destiny. I’m not sure if it’s as utterly profound as it sounds or that it just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s both. All I know is that right now we are at a stage where we can exist in this enigmatic state of happiness. One wherein we do not need to be always together to know we are never alone. But even though I have never asked him to choose me over his vocation, I know and I am aware that time will come when he will have to choose. And as the days pass, my fear grows harder to contain. It’s not the thought that he won’t choose me that I fear, it’s the amount of pain I will surely suffer. I don’t care if he chooses me or not, for I know I will be happy for him. I just hope that I live through the experience. Right now, it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle, and that I’m cocking the gun towards my own head. But I’m letting myself get hurt, and I am so willing to fall, for I know that the scars will serve as my testimonies to the truth that for as long as I can, I’ve held on and fought.

Haiku #3

To live and let live
and let go of all the hurt..
That's what freedom is..

What my name means.

What Karri Ann Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?