It is hard for me to compose my thoughts when my heart can no longer withstand the pain I feel emotionally. It's been quite some time since I've managed to create a decent post. The best I could do were my Haiku's and even those were below my usual standards of post material. Usually, my afflictions would be the inspiration of my material but it seems as though I've lost the will to write, to compose, to draw. Everything is different now. I used to be able to channel all my sadness into something productive. I remember a time when I'd cook or bake just to relieve the pain. Now, nothing seems sufficient. Even as I am writing this, I can feel how unorganized and irrational the words are. It may describe what I am currently feeling or going through, but it does not embody me. It makes me want to ask, "When did I lose myself?"
Being productive in sadness has been therapeutic for me. Or doing something at least. Now, it's all empty; my works, my smiles, my life. They say that being able to talk about an experience, or put it into writing means that you've managed to get over it. This isn't really true for me right now. I'm not over it. But the difference is, I want to be.
I would never understand why he left me. I had done everything he had ever asked of me. Even sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of him. I once swore to myself that I would never let a man dominate me, or boss me around. I would never be so stupid as to willingly submit myself to a position where I am considered as the underdog. But I did. I ate my words and so willingly gave up my time, my efforts and my heart. Why? Because I trusted him. Trust had always been the foundation of our relationship. I trusted that he would never hurt me and in turn I was so willing to show him my vulnerability. Now I know I shouldn't have. I should've known that it was a promise that he was never going to keep.
It took me a while longer than my friends to realize what was happening. They had all been so supportive as to tell me that he wasn't worth it, or that I'm still young and there are many others out there anyway. But I closed my eyes, for I was so confident that it was just a phase we were going through and we could fix it. But I had to open my eyes eventually. Too bad I opened them a little too late.
There wasn't really anything I could do about it. I laid it all on the palms of his hands. I was always the one who had to adjust. Now, I have to adjust to the fact that he says he doesn't love me, or for that matter, didn't love me. Our mutual friends would tell me "he's just saying that to cover up his true feelings" or "just don't approach him and he'll be a wreck". I thank my friends for their concern but right now, I'm the wreck. Lies or not, his words still did the damage. Did he do it to purposely hurt me so I'd forget about him? Did he think that by hurting me I would leave him thus preventing a tragic future for both of us? Maybe. But how dare he? He has absolutely no right to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. He has no right to toy with my emotions and treat me like a little kid. They say that we experience pain to remind us to never do something again. In love however, that doesn't work. For no matter how much we get hurt, we still have to ability and desire to love again.
I don't even know why I did everything for him. Was it love? Perhaps. I once thought I had a clear concept of what true love is. Later I found out that it's even more blurry now than it was before. I'm sure that I do love him, but I am not certain as to what degree. I can not even give you a reason as to why I love him. Do we even need a reason to love? I think not. I never really loved him because he was this or that, I love him just because I do. I thought that was enough, I guess I was wrong.
I never even asked him to love me back. I never asked him to do anything for me. I was just happy, seeing him smile, knowing in my heart that he was happy too. The times we spent together, the memories, everything, did they really mean nothing to him? Why was it so easy for him to say "forget everything that's happened between us"? And how does he expect me to just throw away every precious memory I have of him? I can't help it if those moments were special to me. I can't believe it's not the same for him.
I can be angry. I can be raging mad right now. He was a jerk of all things. A numb, insensitive jerk. His moodiness was something I couldn't handle. One moment he missed me, the next, he was asking me to stay away. I had to be flexible enough to go along with all the sudden changes. I had been successful for the most part. But in the end I grew tired. It felt like he was constantly testing me, pulling my strings and pushing me to my limits. I realize now how pathetic I looked. I can be angry, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be bitter. But I'd have to ask, where was my dignity? Where was my pride? Where was I?
I never gave up though. I never left him for I promised I wouldn't. It was he who walked out on me. He pushed me away and left me hanging. What other choice do I have now but to give up too? I never gave up on him. I probably never will. But I am giving up on "us". That is, I'm accepting now that we could never be together. He doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. I will stay and support him though. He's also been a constant subject of my prayers. But that's all I can do now. I can only hope that even for just a moment, I became part of his life, and made a difference.
