WHO AM I?

I haven't blogged in a while and I think it's time for an entry from me. This time, I don't even care if it's decent or not. So long as I know I made it, then that's fine.

"Who am I?"

I have always believed that man makes his own choices. Recently, I learned in Philosophy that in an existentialist point of view, man is both a destiny and a task. That is, what we do right now, who we are, is our destiny. We are at a point in our lives that is inevitable. This is due to the nature of the decisions made by the people before us, or the changes that our society underwent. These are all strings of events that originate form different directions, yet meet at a certain crosspoint. I am that crosspoint. No, I'm not saying it's only me. I mean all of us. We are all crosspoints of these events. It is our destiny to live out the burdens of being that crosspoint. But we must not think that destiny is the end of all events. For we are also a task. This means that we have the responsibility to either choose to follow through with the destiny with which we are living in now. Or to choose to make our own series of events and deviate from that which we are destined to become. Mind you this is not contradictory. I mean you could ask "If we could have a choice, why is there a destiny then?" fulfilling a task to deviate from your plotted course does not mean you are not following your destiny. But this act of performing your task then becomes your destiny.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. It is hard for me to currently define who I am right now. I refuse to be defined by those around me, whether animate or inanimate. I want to be remembered by what I did, and not what those around me did for me. Yet this definition of myself is hard to accomplish because I don't really know what I've actually left that could serve as proof of my humanity. I don't know if I've left enough happiness, hope or even, love. I can't even define what I really am right now and I can't seem to be able to commit myself to a guy I like.

This puts me in a dilemma. philosophy states that the answers to questions are not of optimal importance in the process of questioning. Rather, it is the act of questioning itself. Is this then who I am? Am I the person who should simply sit down and ask questions? Questions like: "Have I truly moved on?" "Am I ready for another commitment?" "Do I deserve another chance?" and others. If questioning is the most important aspect of philosophizing, then my thoughts must be very important. How can you possibly convince me to be satisfied with merely questions if my heart is breaking because I have no answers? What do I do now?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love philosophy. Enough to actually consider being part of the IPR in school. Maybe, just maybe, this is my calling. Goodbye Nursing.