Kalokohan, it would seem that that’s the only thing that Jodave is really, really good at. Nakakatawa. You wouldn’t expect him to be the type of person na sobrang gulo at maingay pala. When I first met him, I thought he was just so sweet, at ang gaan agad ng feeling ko sa kanya. If there really is such a thing as love at first sight, yun na yun. When I first saw him, I couldn’t stop looking at him. It felt as though we were the only two people in the room. Now that I look back to that day, I realize that it’s the clearest memory I have. Funny, since I didn’t even know him all to well at those moments. Actually, I don’t know him all too well now.
Ewan ko ba. No other guy has made me feel this way before. I feel completely, well, unexplainable. I find that the time I miss him the most is when we just parted ways 3 minutes before. I am at my happiest the day before I see him. And I am completely at peace when I am actually with him. I have everything I want to say ready before hand but in front of him, everything I’ve prepared melts away and I just blurt out random things on my mind. He makes me restless and leaves me wanting so much more and yet he can have me pacified with satisfaction. I don’t need anything to remind me of him, my memory just makes me remember it all no matter how forgetful I am. His spontaneity and irrationality makes me feel a certain security that I have never known before. And his smile, or even the most blurred version of it in my memory, makes me believe that everything’s gonna be okay. He doesn’t even have to tell me that things are going to work out, his mere existence is my assurance. Much like how I don’t need to hear from him that he loves me. His actions, they are enough to attest to that. For the first time, despite the fact that I am alone, I never feel lonely. Tang-ina, mahal ko nga siya.
Anyone who sees him would probably agree with me when I say isip-bata si Jodave. Despite his being 3 years older, it feels like I’m a lot more mature than he is. He laughs so boisterously, and moves like an animal set free from the zoo. It’s mean, but it’s true. Sobrang kulit, maingay, magulo at galawgaw. Haha. He’s such a kid, like he never grew up. He’s an actual slash modern Peter Pan. But I have found that he is not childish at all, but child like. It reminds of a story of a kid who was in this hospital. For as well as he could, the doctor explained to the kid that his blood was needed in order to save the life of his sister from a certain disease. They needed the blood of a family member who had previously contracted the same disease since that blood would already have the antibodies needed to battle it. With a trembling lip and a clenched fist, the child finally said yes. After his blood was drawn, the child asked the doctor softly, “when will I die?” The doctor then understood the trembling lip, the clenched fist, and his hesitance to give his blood. The kid was so sure that the drawing of his blood would mean his instant death. Yet he still had the courage to say yes so as to save his sister’s life. This kid demonstrates how children, no matter how vague, have this certain understanding of the things going on around them. They may not understand the situation in its complete context and actuality, but they are aware of everything that’s going on. I find this trait in Jodave. I thought he was so immature in handling this relationship. But I was wrong. He handles everything with a type of seriousness and responsibility that I have never seen before. It’s not that he doesn’t do anything about his problems, it’s just that he is mature enough to know what should and shouldn’t be done. He understands the consequences of his actions and subconsciously calculates what needs to be done. Perhaps others would say that he is a coward for he takes the easy way out and that he is weak for his lack of risk-taking. Undeniably I know I have. But I’ve realized that it requires a massive amount of strength to give up something you completely love for the sake of doing the right thing and that it takes a great deal of courage to face that fact that indeed, you may lose that one thing you love because of what you have done. In this view, Jodave to me becomes a cloak of complexity that I am yet to unravel. He holds this certain maturity that I probably will never understand. In the end, I realize that maybe he was right, maybe I really am immature.
Strange, it’s like I’m defending him even though it’s obvious that at the end of the day, it’s me who’s getting hurt. Martyr ba? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that this feels right and I’m not about to give up. This relationship has taught me so much already. I’ve learned to be satisfied with what I have and to not be so demanding. I’ve also learned to value every moment and every second of my life, for I know that we all can’t afford to waste our time considering how limited it actually is. I’ve also learned to leave just a little for myself because in the end, when all is lost, the one person I’ll have is me. This relationship has also taught me how to set my priorities and to not lose sight of the things that are important to me. Lastly, I have come to comprehend what the true meaning of ‘I miss you’ is, and how special the words ‘I love you’ really are. All these in two months, and I have a feeling that I’m about to learn more.
The sad thing in all this is, no matter how happy I am right now, I know that time will come when I will become absolutely hurt. Just as Jodave has often said, there is a wall between us, and it is something that we both can not touch for doing so might mean the destruction of our destiny. I’m not sure if it’s as utterly profound as it sounds or that it just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s both. All I know is that right now we are at a stage where we can exist in this enigmatic state of happiness. One wherein we do not need to be always together to know we are never alone. But even though I have never asked him to choose me over his vocation, I know and I am aware that time will come when he will have to choose. And as the days pass, my fear grows harder to contain. It’s not the thought that he won’t choose me that I fear, it’s the amount of pain I will surely suffer. I don’t care if he chooses me or not, for I know I will be happy for him. I just hope that I live through the experience. Right now, it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle, and that I’m cocking the gun towards my own head. But I’m letting myself get hurt, and I am so willing to fall, for I know that the scars will serve as my testimonies to the truth that for as long as I can, I’ve held on and fought.
Ewan ko ba. No other guy has made me feel this way before. I feel completely, well, unexplainable. I find that the time I miss him the most is when we just parted ways 3 minutes before. I am at my happiest the day before I see him. And I am completely at peace when I am actually with him. I have everything I want to say ready before hand but in front of him, everything I’ve prepared melts away and I just blurt out random things on my mind. He makes me restless and leaves me wanting so much more and yet he can have me pacified with satisfaction. I don’t need anything to remind me of him, my memory just makes me remember it all no matter how forgetful I am. His spontaneity and irrationality makes me feel a certain security that I have never known before. And his smile, or even the most blurred version of it in my memory, makes me believe that everything’s gonna be okay. He doesn’t even have to tell me that things are going to work out, his mere existence is my assurance. Much like how I don’t need to hear from him that he loves me. His actions, they are enough to attest to that. For the first time, despite the fact that I am alone, I never feel lonely. Tang-ina, mahal ko nga siya.
Anyone who sees him would probably agree with me when I say isip-bata si Jodave. Despite his being 3 years older, it feels like I’m a lot more mature than he is. He laughs so boisterously, and moves like an animal set free from the zoo. It’s mean, but it’s true. Sobrang kulit, maingay, magulo at galawgaw. Haha. He’s such a kid, like he never grew up. He’s an actual slash modern Peter Pan. But I have found that he is not childish at all, but child like. It reminds of a story of a kid who was in this hospital. For as well as he could, the doctor explained to the kid that his blood was needed in order to save the life of his sister from a certain disease. They needed the blood of a family member who had previously contracted the same disease since that blood would already have the antibodies needed to battle it. With a trembling lip and a clenched fist, the child finally said yes. After his blood was drawn, the child asked the doctor softly, “when will I die?” The doctor then understood the trembling lip, the clenched fist, and his hesitance to give his blood. The kid was so sure that the drawing of his blood would mean his instant death. Yet he still had the courage to say yes so as to save his sister’s life. This kid demonstrates how children, no matter how vague, have this certain understanding of the things going on around them. They may not understand the situation in its complete context and actuality, but they are aware of everything that’s going on. I find this trait in Jodave. I thought he was so immature in handling this relationship. But I was wrong. He handles everything with a type of seriousness and responsibility that I have never seen before. It’s not that he doesn’t do anything about his problems, it’s just that he is mature enough to know what should and shouldn’t be done. He understands the consequences of his actions and subconsciously calculates what needs to be done. Perhaps others would say that he is a coward for he takes the easy way out and that he is weak for his lack of risk-taking. Undeniably I know I have. But I’ve realized that it requires a massive amount of strength to give up something you completely love for the sake of doing the right thing and that it takes a great deal of courage to face that fact that indeed, you may lose that one thing you love because of what you have done. In this view, Jodave to me becomes a cloak of complexity that I am yet to unravel. He holds this certain maturity that I probably will never understand. In the end, I realize that maybe he was right, maybe I really am immature.
Strange, it’s like I’m defending him even though it’s obvious that at the end of the day, it’s me who’s getting hurt. Martyr ba? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that this feels right and I’m not about to give up. This relationship has taught me so much already. I’ve learned to be satisfied with what I have and to not be so demanding. I’ve also learned to value every moment and every second of my life, for I know that we all can’t afford to waste our time considering how limited it actually is. I’ve also learned to leave just a little for myself because in the end, when all is lost, the one person I’ll have is me. This relationship has also taught me how to set my priorities and to not lose sight of the things that are important to me. Lastly, I have come to comprehend what the true meaning of ‘I miss you’ is, and how special the words ‘I love you’ really are. All these in two months, and I have a feeling that I’m about to learn more.
The sad thing in all this is, no matter how happy I am right now, I know that time will come when I will become absolutely hurt. Just as Jodave has often said, there is a wall between us, and it is something that we both can not touch for doing so might mean the destruction of our destiny. I’m not sure if it’s as utterly profound as it sounds or that it just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s both. All I know is that right now we are at a stage where we can exist in this enigmatic state of happiness. One wherein we do not need to be always together to know we are never alone. But even though I have never asked him to choose me over his vocation, I know and I am aware that time will come when he will have to choose. And as the days pass, my fear grows harder to contain. It’s not the thought that he won’t choose me that I fear, it’s the amount of pain I will surely suffer. I don’t care if he chooses me or not, for I know I will be happy for him. I just hope that I live through the experience. Right now, it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle, and that I’m cocking the gun towards my own head. But I’m letting myself get hurt, and I am so willing to fall, for I know that the scars will serve as my testimonies to the truth that for as long as I can, I’ve held on and fought.
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