WHO AM I?

I haven't blogged in a while and I think it's time for an entry from me. This time, I don't even care if it's decent or not. So long as I know I made it, then that's fine.

"Who am I?"

I have always believed that man makes his own choices. Recently, I learned in Philosophy that in an existentialist point of view, man is both a destiny and a task. That is, what we do right now, who we are, is our destiny. We are at a point in our lives that is inevitable. This is due to the nature of the decisions made by the people before us, or the changes that our society underwent. These are all strings of events that originate form different directions, yet meet at a certain crosspoint. I am that crosspoint. No, I'm not saying it's only me. I mean all of us. We are all crosspoints of these events. It is our destiny to live out the burdens of being that crosspoint. But we must not think that destiny is the end of all events. For we are also a task. This means that we have the responsibility to either choose to follow through with the destiny with which we are living in now. Or to choose to make our own series of events and deviate from that which we are destined to become. Mind you this is not contradictory. I mean you could ask "If we could have a choice, why is there a destiny then?" fulfilling a task to deviate from your plotted course does not mean you are not following your destiny. But this act of performing your task then becomes your destiny.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. It is hard for me to currently define who I am right now. I refuse to be defined by those around me, whether animate or inanimate. I want to be remembered by what I did, and not what those around me did for me. Yet this definition of myself is hard to accomplish because I don't really know what I've actually left that could serve as proof of my humanity. I don't know if I've left enough happiness, hope or even, love. I can't even define what I really am right now and I can't seem to be able to commit myself to a guy I like.

This puts me in a dilemma. philosophy states that the answers to questions are not of optimal importance in the process of questioning. Rather, it is the act of questioning itself. Is this then who I am? Am I the person who should simply sit down and ask questions? Questions like: "Have I truly moved on?" "Am I ready for another commitment?" "Do I deserve another chance?" and others. If questioning is the most important aspect of philosophizing, then my thoughts must be very important. How can you possibly convince me to be satisfied with merely questions if my heart is breaking because I have no answers? What do I do now?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love philosophy. Enough to actually consider being part of the IPR in school. Maybe, just maybe, this is my calling. Goodbye Nursing.

Haiku #8

yes I was bitter..
I now laugh at how I was..
but still I miss you..

COMPOSITION

I've been living in the past..
lost in the fine threads of time..
unable to define what is real..
from what I really want..

I still dream about us..
happily dancing beneath a sea of stars..
or under the pouring rain..
like a hopeless romantic would..

I'm fond of the cliches..
that make lovers' worlds turn round..
sometimes I wish it was all different..
maybe then it wouldn't hurt as much..

I remember the sound of your laughter..
were you truly happy then?
or was it a mockery of my emotions?
did I laugh with you and you laughed at me?

it's not that we were perfect together..
we were a disaster waiting to happen..
ours was a survival story..
or so I thought it would be..

so I believed in ever afters..
ever after miseries..
I'd rather be in pain than in love..
'cause at least the pain'll go away..

don't be surprised if I can't move on..
'cause for every step I take forward..
your memory makes me take a hundred back..
it's not that I can't, I just don't want to forget..

I know you still feel my presence..
those stolen glances of hidden admiration..
immobilized by the logic of restraint..
yet still longing for the promise of forever..

falling in love jumpstarts the poetry..
the license comes from getting hurt..
but it'll never be a good enough reason..
for you to say you can't be happy..

I'm really running out of words..
trying to find a way to end this silly piece..
but maybe, just maybe, the ending's not the answer..
for all endings are merely new beginnings..

Summer

Although it's only the first week of April, summer vacation's pretty much gonna be over soon for us Nursing students of Saint Louis University. It's really my first time to not have a 2 month summer break, plus my sched, (BSN 1 - 2's schedule) doesn't look too good since our NSTP's at 12:00 pm - 3:00 pm. Can you imagine how hot the sun must be during that time? *sigh*

Anyway, although I've only had barely 3 weeks of vacation, it's really helped a lot. I finally got some decent sleep since I haven't been getting that during normal school days. Also, I've managed to clear my head and think.

It's not like i didn't experience problems during the vacation, it's just that it's not the school related problems that usually wrack my brain and exhaust my body. These were more of emotional ones.

I'm not gonna go into the intimate details of what I've done in these past three weeks. But I will say that I've tried to connect myself to God even more. It has always been in Him that I have confided my deepest thoughts and intimacies. It may have never been necessary to verbalize them all since I am well aware of His omniscience but I find that I feel so much better when I have a conversation with Him. Much like how a patient would talk to his shrink. (No, I am not at all crazy.) It is through my private conversations with Him that I am able to understand and survive the insanities brought about by reality.

Truth be told however, I am still lost when it comes to the answers of many things that boggle my mind. And my spirit becomes ever so restless. but as said in Jeremiah 29:11-12, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you," I trust that God will always be there to guide me, for I believe that He will never leave my side.

Haiku #4

sit still in the breeze
alone again, the wind howls
my tears do fall fast

What my name means.

What Karri Ann Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip. People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?