The Iridescence Of Abject Beauty

WHO AM I?

2009-01-23T08:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while and I think it's time for an entry from me. This time, I don't even care if it's decent or not. So long as I know I made it, then that's fine.

"Who am I?"

I have always believed that man makes his own choices. Recently, I learned in Philosophy that in an existentialist point of view, man is both a destiny and a task. That is, what we do right now, who we are, is our destiny. We are at a point in our lives that is inevitable. This is due to the nature of the decisions made by the people before us, or the changes that our society underwent. These are all strings of events that originate form different directions, yet meet at a certain crosspoint. I am that crosspoint. No, I'm not saying it's only me. I mean all of us. We are all crosspoints of these events. It is our destiny to live out the burdens of being that crosspoint. But we must not think that destiny is the end of all events. For we are also a task. This means that we have the responsibility to either choose to follow through with the destiny with which we are living in now. Or to choose to make our own series of events and deviate from that which we are destined to become. Mind you this is not contradictory. I mean you could ask "If we could have a choice, why is there a destiny then?" fulfilling a task to deviate from your plotted course does not mean you are not following your destiny. But this act of performing your task then becomes your destiny.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. It is hard for me to currently define who I am right now. I refuse to be defined by those around me, whether animate or inanimate. I want to be remembered by what I did, and not what those around me did for me. Yet this definition of myself is hard to accomplish because I don't really know what I've actually left that could serve as proof of my humanity. I don't know if I've left enough happiness, hope or even, love. I can't even define what I really am right now and I can't seem to be able to commit myself to a guy I like.

This puts me in a dilemma. philosophy states that the answers to questions are not of optimal importance in the process of questioning. Rather, it is the act of questioning itself. Is this then who I am? Am I the person who should simply sit down and ask questions? Questions like: "Have I truly moved on?" "Am I ready for another commitment?" "Do I deserve another chance?" and others. If questioning is the most important aspect of philosophizing, then my thoughts must be very important. How can you possibly convince me to be satisfied with merely questions if my heart is breaking because I have no answers? What do I do now?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love philosophy. Enough to actually consider being part of the IPR in school. Maybe, just maybe, this is my calling. Goodbye Nursing.

Someday

2009-01-04T03:04:00.000-08:00

Someday
love will suffice
memories will be made
stories will be told

Someday
life will make sense
dreams will be fulfilled
hope will burn strong

Someday
tears will stop falling
hearts will smile
pain will fade

Someday
truth will prevail
moments will last
spirits will be free

For time heals

Yours Truly

2009-01-02T10:02:00.001-08:00

Here's to you
the bearer of my soul
the essence of my life
the wonder of my spirit

May your joy
exceed my own
equal your dreams
embody your desires

Leave me here
and let me be
admiring your face
awaiting your presence

Find solace
in the light of day
in the setting sun
in another's arms

For you
I will be happy

Angel Of Music (Inspired by The Phantom of the Opera)

2009-01-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

Angel of Music
hear my cry
soothe these feelings
the melody of my soul

Angel of Music
be my breath
my life is yours
I succumb to your call

Angel of Music
hide my shame
seek not my face
believe not in their lies

Angel of Music
sing my song
nostalgic tunes
of fleeting memories

Angel of Music
spread my wings
open my eyes
that with you I may fly

Flight

2008-10-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

A picture is worth a thousand words

Haiku #8

2008-07-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

yes I was bitter..
I now laugh at how I was..
but still I miss you..

COMPOSITION

2008-07-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

I've been living in the past..
lost in the fine threads of time..
unable to define what is real..
from what I really want..

I still dream about us..
happily dancing beneath a sea of stars..
or under the pouring rain..
like a hopeless romantic would..

I'm fond of the cliches..
that make lovers' worlds turn round..
sometimes I wish it was all different..
maybe then it wouldn't hurt as much..

I remember the sound of your laughter..
were you truly happy then?
or was it a mockery of my emotions?
did I laugh with you and you laughed at me?

it's not that we were perfect together..
we were a disaster waiting to happen..
ours was a survival story..
or so I thought it would be..

so I believed in ever afters..
ever after miseries..
I'd rather be in pain than in love..
'cause at least the pain'll go away..

don't be surprised if I can't move on..
'cause for every step I take forward..
your memory makes me take a hundred back..
it's not that I can't, I just don't want to forget..

I know you still feel my presence..
those stolen glances of hidden admiration..
immobilized by the logic of restraint..
yet still longing for the promise of forever..

falling in love jumpstarts the poetry..
the license comes from getting hurt..
but it'll never be a good enough reason..
for you to say you can't be happy..

I'm really running out of words..
trying to find a way to end this silly piece..
but maybe, just maybe, the ending's not the answer..
for all endings are merely new beginnings..

WTF?

2008-05-07T06:26:00.001-07:00

okay.. so this might look a little too shallow.. but the hell with it.. you don't know much how this affects me..

tae.. what right do you have to remove me from your friends list? and no.. not featured.. you never cared enough about me to put me there anyway, right? anyway.. tek! I have done everything I could to keep this relationship we have at a friendly level.. no matter how much pain you inflicted on me! I did my best.. damn it.. ikaw pa yung may ganang iwan ako? ikaw nanaman yung magwa2lkout?? sa tingin moh, sino ka ba?! just because I submitted myself to each and everyone of your stupid requests you think you can just keep stepping on me?! Never again.. Never Again!!

what.. you think just because of your position right now, you know what's wrong and right? I can tell you right now that you're no holier than I am!! you think you're doing the right thing by hurting me so much? what the hell happened to your Philosophy huh? nag-iisip ka pa ba?! you should know that two wrongs don't make a right.. and you sir, have done so many wrong things I can hardly believe that you still think you're in the right!

tama sila.. mahirap magmahal ng isang taong hindi marunong magmahal! I loved you.. so much so that I stopped loving myself.. I gave you everything.. now I want everything back.. everything.. it all meant something to me.. I wanted them to mean something to you too..

but you've proven to me that you're nothing more than just an insensitive little prick who could care less.. you never really cared.. you just toyed with my emotions.. and used me to pass your time.. anu yun? kung kailangan moh koh, lalapit ka? tapos pag ok ka na, wala na rin akohng halaga? I'm worth more than that! more than you could ever imagine, and more than you'd given me credit for..

maghintay ka lang.. I'll prove it to you.. I'll prove to you just how worthy I am after all!

Damn

2008-04-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

It is hard for me to compose my thoughts when my heart can no longer withstand the pain I feel emotionally. It's been quite some time since I've managed to create a decent post. The best I could do were my Haiku's and even those were below my usual standards of post material. Usually, my afflictions would be the inspiration of my material but it seems as though I've lost the will to write, to compose, to draw. Everything is different now. I used to be able to channel all my sadness into something productive. I remember a time when I'd cook or bake just to relieve the pain. Now, nothing seems sufficient. Even as I am writing this, I can feel how unorganized and irrational the words are. It may describe what I am currently feeling or going through, but it does not embody me. It makes me want to ask, "When did I lose myself?"

Being productive in sadness has been therapeutic for me. Or doing something at least. Now, it's all empty; my works, my smiles, my life. They say that being able to talk about an experience, or put it into writing means that you've managed to get over it. This isn't really true for me right now. I'm not over it. But the difference is, I want to be.

I would never understand why he left me. I had done everything he had ever asked of me. Even sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of him. I once swore to myself that I would never let a man dominate me, or boss me around. I would never be so stupid as to willingly submit myself to a position where I am considered as the underdog. But I did. I ate my words and so willingly gave up my time, my efforts and my heart. Why? Because I trusted him. Trust had always been the foundation of our relationship. I trusted that he would never hurt me and in turn I was so willing to show him my vulnerability. Now I know I shouldn't have. I should've known that it was a promise that he was never going to keep.

It took me a while longer than my friends to realize what was happening. They had all been so supportive as to tell me that he wasn't worth it, or that I'm still young and there are many others out there anyway. But I closed my eyes, for I was so confident that it was just a phase we were going through and we could fix it. But I had to open my eyes eventually. Too bad I opened them a little too late.

There wasn't really anything I could do about it. I laid it all on the palms of his hands. I was always the one who had to adjust. Now, I have to adjust to the fact that he says he doesn't love me, or for that matter, didn't love me. Our mutual friends would tell me "he's just saying that to cover up his true feelings" or "just don't approach him and he'll be a wreck". I thank my friends for their concern but right now, I'm the wreck. Lies or not, his words still did the damage. Did he do it to purposely hurt me so I'd forget about him? Did he think that by hurting me I would leave him thus preventing a tragic future for both of us? Maybe. But how dare he? He has absolutely no right to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. He has no right to toy with my emotions and treat me like a little kid. They say that we experience pain to remind us to never do something again. In love however, that doesn't work. For no matter how much we get hurt, we still have to ability and desire to love again.

I don't even know why I did everything for him. Was it love? Perhaps. I once thought I had a clear concept of what true love is. Later I found out that it's even more blurry now than it was before. I'm sure that I do love him, but I am not certain as to what degree. I can not even give you a reason as to why I love him. Do we even need a reason to love? I think not. I never really loved him because he was this or that, I love him just because I do. I thought that was enough, I guess I was wrong.

I never even asked him to love me back. I never asked him to do anything for me. I was just happy, seeing him smile, knowing in my heart that he was happy too. The times we spent together, the memories, everything, did they really mean nothing to him? Why was it so easy for him to say "forget everything that's happened between us"? And how does he expect me to just throw away every precious memory I have of him? I can't help it if those moments were special to me. I can't believe it's not the same for him.

I can be angry. I can be raging mad right now. He was a jerk of all things. A numb, insensitive jerk. His moodiness was something I couldn't handle. One moment he missed me, the next, he was asking me to stay away. I had to be flexible enough to go along with all the sudden changes. I had been successful for the most part. But in the end I grew tired. It felt like he was constantly testing me, pulling my strings and pushing me to my limits. I realize now how pathetic I looked. I can be angry, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be bitter. But I'd have to ask, where was my dignity? Where was my pride? Where was I?

I never gave up though. I never left him for I promised I wouldn't. It was he who walked out on me. He pushed me away and left me hanging. What other choice do I have now but to give up too? I never gave up on him. I probably never will. But I am giving up on "us". That is, I'm accepting now that we could never be together. He doesn't even want to be friends with me anymore. I will stay and support him though. He's also been a constant subject of my prayers. But that's all I can do now. I can only hope that even for just a moment, I became part of his life, and made a difference.

Haiku #7

2008-04-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

worth it you were not..
but still I feel you with me..
loving, hating you..

Haiku #6

2008-04-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

gave you everything..
never asked for you to love me..
you weren't worth it..

Summer

2008-04-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

Although it's only the first week of April, summer vacation's pretty much gonna be over soon for us Nursing students of Saint Louis University. It's really my first time to not have a 2 month summer break, plus my sched, (BSN 1 - 2's schedule) doesn't look too good since our NSTP's at 12:00 pm - 3:00 pm. Can you imagine how hot the sun must be during that time? *sigh*

Anyway, although I've only had barely 3 weeks of vacation, it's really helped a lot. I finally got some decent sleep since I haven't been getting that during normal school days. Also, I've managed to clear my head and think.

It's not like i didn't experience problems during the vacation, it's just that it's not the school related problems that usually wrack my brain and exhaust my body. These were more of emotional ones.

I'm not gonna go into the intimate details of what I've done in these past three weeks. But I will say that I've tried to connect myself to God even more. It has always been in Him that I have confided my deepest thoughts and intimacies. It may have never been necessary to verbalize them all since I am well aware of His omniscience but I find that I feel so much better when I have a conversation with Him. Much like how a patient would talk to his shrink. (No, I am not at all crazy.) It is through my private conversations with Him that I am able to understand and survive the insanities brought about by reality.

Truth be told however, I am still lost when it comes to the answers of many things that boggle my mind. And my spirit becomes ever so restless. but as said in Jeremiah 29:11-12, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you," I trust that God will always be there to guide me, for I believe that He will never leave my side.

Haiku #5

2008-04-03T05:08:00.001-07:00

feeling is futile..
loving you, it is a sin
so is happiness..

Haiku #4

2008-03-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

sit still in the breeze
alone again, the wind howls
my tears do fall fast

MIDNIGHT

2008-03-11T04:41:00.000-07:00

Seven days she says goodbye
but never means a word of her utterance.
She jumps down to feel the impact of the ground,
the fall itself serves as her daily morphine.
She laughs.

Her face, once as fine and fair as the moon’s light,
now lay disfigured, desecrated by her own two hands.
The scars are symbols of her pride
for the pain she feels is the only real thing left.
She laughs again.

Midnight, the bells ring incessantly in her mind.
Like a melody echoing through church walls
she finds the darkness ever so suitable
an embodiment of the solemnity of her thoughts.
She laughs more.

She sees beyond the light offered by pagans
and she declines the warmth of the blazing fire.
Her only salvation, it comes to her
in a black hooded cloak with a shimmering scythe.
She laughs harder.

She lays it all at his feet.
She breaks the chains that bind her to her mortality.
No tears are spent for she dearly loves to laugh.
One fell swoop is all it takes.
Her laughter echoes.

Silence.

As Art Is In Me

2008-03-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

Hindi ba’t pareho lang naman kami?
Lalaki siya, babae ako.
Yun lang naman ang pagkakaiba.
Maliit lang naman di ba?
Mahal niya rin naman ako.
Tulad ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya.
Hindi niyo iyon mapagkakaila.
Kailan man hindi niyo iyon mapagkakaila.
Hindi ba’t sa inyong mga mata,
Pati na rin sa mga mata ng iba,
Pareho lamang kaming dalawa
Na anak ng Panginoon?
Pareho kaming nagmamahal sa Kanya.
Kung ganoon naman pala,
Bakit hindi pwedeng lubusan naming
Mahalin ang isa’t-isa?
Kailan ba naging kasalanan ang magmahal?
Nagmamahal din naman kayo.
Hindi ba?
Dahil ba sa alagad siya ng Diyos?
Dahil ba siya’y isang haligi ng krus?
Ilang taon pa naman bago niya iwan ang lahat.
Hindi ba pwedeng
Sa panahon na iyon,
Akin na muna siya?

Will It Be Me?

2008-03-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

Kalokohan, it would seem that that’s the only thing that Jodave is really, really good at. Nakakatawa. You wouldn’t expect him to be the type of person na sobrang gulo at maingay pala. When I first met him, I thought he was just so sweet, at ang gaan agad ng feeling ko sa kanya. If there really is such a thing as love at first sight, yun na yun. When I first saw him, I couldn’t stop looking at him. It felt as though we were the only two people in the room. Now that I look back to that day, I realize that it’s the clearest memory I have. Funny, since I didn’t even know him all to well at those moments. Actually, I don’t know him all too well now.

Ewan ko ba. No other guy has made me feel this way before. I feel completely, well, unexplainable. I find that the time I miss him the most is when we just parted ways 3 minutes before. I am at my happiest the day before I see him. And I am completely at peace when I am actually with him. I have everything I want to say ready before hand but in front of him, everything I’ve prepared melts away and I just blurt out random things on my mind. He makes me restless and leaves me wanting so much more and yet he can have me pacified with satisfaction. I don’t need anything to remind me of him, my memory just makes me remember it all no matter how forgetful I am. His spontaneity and irrationality makes me feel a certain security that I have never known before. And his smile, or even the most blurred version of it in my memory, makes me believe that everything’s gonna be okay. He doesn’t even have to tell me that things are going to work out, his mere existence is my assurance. Much like how I don’t need to hear from him that he loves me. His actions, they are enough to attest to that. For the first time, despite the fact that I am alone, I never feel lonely. Tang-ina, mahal ko nga siya.

Anyone who sees him would probably agree with me when I say isip-bata si Jodave. Despite his being 3 years older, it feels like I’m a lot more mature than he is. He laughs so boisterously, and moves like an animal set free from the zoo. It’s mean, but it’s true. Sobrang kulit, maingay, magulo at galawgaw. Haha. He’s such a kid, like he never grew up. He’s an actual slash modern Peter Pan. But I have found that he is not childish at all, but child like. It reminds of a story of a kid who was in this hospital. For as well as he could, the doctor explained to the kid that his blood was needed in order to save the life of his sister from a certain disease. They needed the blood of a family member who had previously contracted the same disease since that blood would already have the antibodies needed to battle it. With a trembling lip and a clenched fist, the child finally said yes. After his blood was drawn, the child asked the doctor softly, “when will I die?” The doctor then understood the trembling lip, the clenched fist, and his hesitance to give his blood. The kid was so sure that the drawing of his blood would mean his instant death. Yet he still had the courage to say yes so as to save his sister’s life. This kid demonstrates how children, no matter how vague, have this certain understanding of the things going on around them. They may not understand the situation in its complete context and actuality, but they are aware of everything that’s going on. I find this trait in Jodave. I thought he was so immature in handling this relationship. But I was wrong. He handles everything with a type of seriousness and responsibility that I have never seen before. It’s not that he doesn’t do anything about his problems, it’s just that he is mature enough to know what should and shouldn’t be done. He understands the consequences of his actions and subconsciously calculates what needs to be done. Perhaps others would say that he is a coward for he takes the easy way out and that he is weak for his lack of risk-taking. Undeniably I know I have. But I’ve realized that it requires a massive amount of strength to give up something you completely love for the sake of doing the right thing and that it takes a great deal of courage to face that fact that indeed, you may lose that one thing you love because of what you have done. In this view, Jodave to me becomes a cloak of complexity that I am yet to unravel. He holds this certain maturity that I probably will never understand. In the end, I realize that maybe he was right, maybe I really am immature.

Strange, it’s like I’m defending him even though it’s obvious that at the end of the day, it’s me who’s getting hurt. Martyr ba? Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that this feels right and I’m not about to give up. This relationship has taught me so much already. I’ve learned to be satisfied with what I have and to not be so demanding. I’ve also learned to value every moment and every second of my life, for I know that we all can’t afford to waste our time considering how limited it actually is. I’ve also learned to leave just a little for myself because in the end, when all is lost, the one person I’ll have is me. This relationship has also taught me how to set my priorities and to not lose sight of the things that are important to me. Lastly, I have come to comprehend what the true meaning of ‘I miss you’ is, and how special the words ‘I love you’ really are. All these in two months, and I have a feeling that I’m about to learn more.

The sad thing in all this is, no matter how happy I am right now, I know that time will come when I will become absolutely hurt. Just as Jodave has often said, there is a wall between us, and it is something that we both can not touch for doing so might mean the destruction of our destiny. I’m not sure if it’s as utterly profound as it sounds or that it just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s both. All I know is that right now we are at a stage where we can exist in this enigmatic state of happiness. One wherein we do not need to be always together to know we are never alone. But even though I have never asked him to choose me over his vocation, I know and I am aware that time will come when he will have to choose. And as the days pass, my fear grows harder to contain. It’s not the thought that he won’t choose me that I fear, it’s the amount of pain I will surely suffer. I don’t care if he chooses me or not, for I know I will be happy for him. I just hope that I live through the experience. Right now, it feels like I’m fighting a losing battle, and that I’m cocking the gun towards my own head. But I’m letting myself get hurt, and I am so willing to fall, for I know that the scars will serve as my testimonies to the truth that for as long as I can, I’ve held on and fought.

Haiku #3

2008-01-27T22:45:00.000-08:00

To live and let live
and let go of all the hurt..
That's what freedom is..

What my name means.

2008-01-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

What Karri Ann Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Hello Hello

2007-12-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

Title: SR-71 - Hello Hello lyrics

Artist: SR-71

Hello Hello
I bring you pictures from the man you used to know
Give in let go
To the words that made you feel you weren't alone
Now it's funny how we find out
Time can solve the mystery but love is only temporary

Hello Hello
The smile on your face is just
For show
Inside you screaming let me go
Hello Hello
Loneliness doesn't make a sound
Till I head back underground

Hello Hello
I bring you pictures from the man you used to know
Give in let go
To the images that made you feel at home
Now it's funny how we find out
How age can change a man
Confused but now I understand

Hello Hello
You're swimming faster than you know
But you can't fight the undertow
Hello Hello
Loneliness doesn't make a sound
Till I head back underground
Hello Hello
The smile on your face is just for show
Inside me you're screaming let me go
Hello Hello
You're swimming faster than you know
But you can't fight the undertow
Hello Hello
Maybe I'll Just say goodbye

Haiku #2

2007-12-27T02:38:00.000-08:00

Uneasy breathing,
Heart beats faster and faster,
Love, why does it hurt?

Shimmer

2007-12-23T04:26:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Tree has been a long standing tradition for anyone who celebrates the "Season of Giving". Adorned with shimmering decor and colorful lights, complete with numerous gifts beneath, the Christmas tree is truly a wonderful sight to behold. However, the tree holds a wonder that many have already forgotten. The Christmas tree is a representation of family, love and friendship and the beauty of being together. Because as time goes by, the decor loose their shimmer, the lights all fade out, and the gifts grow old and dull, but all the memories, the laughter, and the camaraderie stay within our hearts forever.

Rage

2007-11-25T07:22:00.001-08:00

Humanity..
I laugh at your naivety..
I pity your ignorance..
I detest your arrogance..

pathetic...

Vindicated

2007-11-24T06:40:00.000-08:00

Vindicated Lyrics
Artist(Band):Dashboard Confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So, mesmerizing, so hypnotizing,
I am captivated, I am

{Chorus}
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that I am

{Chorus}

So turn
up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

{Chorus}

Like hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

Illusion

2007-11-24T06:26:00.000-08:00

Time, an irreplaceable gift so graciously bestowed upon the hands of mankind. Yet we humans are so keen on wasting it. It's because we have too much of it that we fail to see just how important it is. Who ever says that he has all the time in the world is a fool. Time will never be enough.

We humans waste so much time on superficial things like vanity and wealth. We try so much to make our lives perfect by achieving success when clearly, our view of what perfection really is is completely blurry. We think that once we're rich or famous, we'll be happy. That's why we idolize celebrities and billionaires so much. We imitate them and aspire to be just like them. So we waste time fighting each other just to see who attains a status that's higher than everyone else's. And once a certain status is reached, we spend a lot more time showing off everything we have, making others feel bad about themselves, or jealous of what we have. No wonder we make more enemies. Then, the paranoia sinks in. We start thinking that everyone's out to get us. We begin building fences to keep everyone away, attempting to protect everything that we've worked so hard for. While we do so, we do not realize that we've spent all our resources on the barricades we've built that we have nothing left to protect. We go back to where we started, the cycle begins again. Benjamin Franklin once said "Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of." With all the time we've wasted, we've also wasted so much of our lives. Let's all think back to how much time we've spent arguing instead of making peace, or destroying a life when we could've helped rebuild someone else's. Let's think about it, and we'll realize that we should also start thinking about what we're gonna do with the little time we all have left.

However,with all these in our heads, it's also wrong to think that we're all out of time. If people who think they have all the time in the world are fools, people who believe they don't have time at all are just lazy. We've always had the power to control time, not the other way around. Truth be told, we can make time for anything. We just have to have the initiative to do so. We just have to think.

Time is an illusion. By the time we've finished blinking, it would've already come and gone. We don't have too much of it, nor do we lack any. We have just enough, so make it count.

Sana..

2007-11-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

Sana..

sa tuwing tumitingin ka sa mga bituin,
at namamangha ka sa dami nila,
maalala mong heto akong nag-iisa,
nangangarap na sana'y bituin din ako
nang sa gayun ay pagmasdan mo rin ako
kahit paminsan-minsan lang.

Sana..

sa bawat hakbang ng mga paa mo,
maisip mo kung gaano kasakit,
na nakikita kitang naglalakad
na papalayo ng papalayo sa akin.
umaasa na sana'y ang patutunguhan mo
ay kung saan naroon ako.

Sana..

sa tuwing natutulog ka ng mahimbing,
lahat ng mga panaginip mo'y
naghahatid sa'yo ng saya
na alam kong di ko mapapantayan.
dahil alam ko rin na kailan ma'y
di ako magiging laman ng mga panaginip mo.

Sana..

balang araw mabuksan ang mga mata mo
nang makita mong may nagmamahal sayo
ng higit pa sa inaakala mo.
at ibabalik mo ang damdaming iyon
sa taong nagpaligaya sa'yo
at nagmahal sa'yo ng lubos.

Sana..

sa pagdating ng araw na iyon,
maging masaya rin ako para sa'yo.
Dahil narito ako sa harapan mo
pero hindi mo nakikitang,
mas mahal kita
kaysa sa taong minamahal mo ngayon.

I wish..

that everytime you look at the stars
and marvel at their number
you remember me,while I'm here alone
wishing I was a star
so that you'd look at me too
even for just a moment.

I wish..

that with each step you take,
you realize how painful it is
for me to see you walking
farther and farther away from me.
hoping that wherever you're going
is where I am right now.

I wish..

that everytime you're sleeping soundly,
every dream you have will
bring you happiness
that I know I can never give you.
'cause I know that I will never
be the subject of your dreams.

I wish..

that someday you'll open your eyes
so you can see that you are loved
more than you've ever imagined.
and you'll give back that same emotion
to the person who's made you happy
and has loved you unconditionally.

I wish..

that when that day comes,
I'll be happy for you too.
'cause here I am infront of you
but you fail to see
I love you so much more
than the person you're loving right now.

Haiku #1

2007-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

Sa'ting dalawa,
isa lang ang mali ko.
Minahal kita.

Bakit?

2007-11-22T07:33:00.000-08:00

Umuwi ka nung minsan,
may dalang rosas.
Natuwa ako,
bihira mong gawin yun.

Hindi ka rin nagbabasa,
pero may hawak kang libro.
"The Tragedy of Macbeth"
paborito kong libro.

Pinagluto kita,
halata namang di mo gusto
inubos mo parin,
sumakit tuloy tiyan mo.

Nagpatawa ako,
corny yung joke.
Pero sinakyan mo parin ako,
natawa ako sa sarili ko.

Bakit..
Mahal mo ba ko?

Her...

2007-11-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

The way you touch my hand,
how it fits mine so perfectly
as we take that walk together
and laugh at random things..

Or when we cuddle in the sofa,
and watch our favorite movie
and throw popcorn at each other
just for the fun of it..

When the rain pours outside,
you hug me ever so tenderly
and you hum our favorite song
along with the rain's melody..

When you try your best,
to prepare my favorite meal
even though you don't get it right
your smile makes up for everything,,

In all those little things,
I know how you feel..
How much you show your love..
how perfect you can be..

too bad..

I see it in your eyes..
Whenever you look at me so deeply..
I know that who you see..
Is her and never me..

Pluma..

2007-11-16T04:59:00.000-08:00

In the absence of the right words to convey our inner most thoughts, we humans find new ways to express ourselves. We create poems, sing songs and paint pictures just to show what we really feel and what we want to say. In each line of a poem, in every melody of a song and in every stroke of a brush lies the scars, the tears, and the sorrow of the insignificant artist. For it is never the maker who is recognized, but the product of the intensity of his emotions and the inspiring beauty that he has created.

Paalam

2007-11-14T08:29:00.000-08:00

It's been more than a month. I'm sure we're both aware of it.. Never counting exactly how many days.. But still subconsciously aware.. At least, I am.. I was..

It hurt so much at first.. Like the pain would never end.. I was giving up something that I've gotten used to for so long.. I was ending a huge part of my life..

But it had to be done.. We both knew it.. We both felt it.. It hurt.. But somehow it felt right..

It happened.. It went so fast.. I didn't realize That it was over.. We were over.. I wasn't aware that you had said goodbye.. I don't remember if I said it.. But if I did.. At that moment.. I never completely meant it..

It was hard to live with that decision.. At one moment happy about it.. The next, wanting to go back.. But I stuck with it.. Held my ground.. And moved on..

It was never complete though.. There were always thoughts of you.. Memories, lingering here and there.. It was unavoidable.. I knew they'd come.. But they weren't enough to make me look back..

The 15th.. Almost, but not quite.. A reminder of what we could've been.. What we might've had.. It's sad.. To think of the probable future.. Even more than reminiscing the past.. For there's always this regret that I could never shake off..

It's been long overdue.. My goodbye.. I've been putting it off for so long.. Still holding a part of my past.. Never fully letting go.. For a moment.. I shunned the thoughts.. The memories.. Locked them all up in the darkest regions of my mind.. But they were there.. Though silent and unmoving.. Unearthing them brought back all the emotions.. The happiness.. The pain.. Everything.. But it's time.. To completely be free of this prison I've made for myself.. I've gotten over you..

Overly dramatic? Perhaps.. I won't attempt to defend myself.. Let them think what they want.. I'll let you think what you want.. This was never really for you.. It's for me.. My confession.. My commitment.. ME..

So finally.. For all it's worth.. To your friendship.. A warm hello.. To your love..

goodbye..

The Purpose of Pain

2007-10-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

Emotions, derived from the Latin word emovere which means to stir up, are agitations or disturbances brought about by strong feelings about someone or something. They are fundamentally, reactions to the satisfaction or the frustration of a need. From our silliest whims to our hearts’ desires, all of our needs fuel our emotions.

We show our emotions at varied levels, all depending on the intensity of the feeling. A hug or kind word makes us feel happy, hence our immediate reaction is to smile but a harsh statement or a physical injury make us miserable, hence we feel the need to cry. A deeper motivation would invoke a deeper emotion. The murder of a loved one would fill someone with anger and in turn, the person may feel the need to achieve vengeance or retribution. Although law states that we can not kill, this strong feeling might invoke the person to disregard the law and take matters into his own hands. Once an emotion is felt, it often drags along other emotions with it. Happiness invokes satisfaction and peace of mind whereas grief brings misery and desperation along with it. Emotions are often confusing. Take love for instance. Usually, being in love is the greatest feeling in the world. We feel like everything’s possible and we generally have a positive outlook in life. However, love can also make us feel miserable. This usually happens when the love we offer is not met with love of equal intensity. This leaves us uncertain on whether we still really want to love or not.

This uncertainty results to the dawn of a time in our lives when we’d really rather be numb. This desire to lose all feeling is more often than not, brought about by pain. The pain of isolation often brings about depression and is in most cases, the cause of suicide. The pain of the death of a loved one makes us question life itself. And the pain of breaking up makes us wish to never love again. Pain is often viewed as an evil in the world and it is feared by most. But pain is truly beautiful once its true purpose has been revealed.

Physically, our bodies feel pain so as to prevent us from seriously harming ourselves or at least to not do something harmful again. It is our body’s way of saying that we should stop. If pain did not exist, we’d always be walking through fire in a cold day or jumping from windows to see what it’s like to fly. We wouldn’t have any regard for our safety. Just as physical pain, emotional pain is also useful even though it’s not exactly the best feeling in the world. Pain plays many roles in our lives. First it is an adviser that tells us what we ought to do to or decide. The possibility of pain makes us think before we act, thus preventing serious disaster. It is also a mentor. It teaches us what to do or at least, what not to do, when faced with the same situations. Lastly, it is an examiner. It tests our courage and shows us how truly strong we are. We may not think that we can face all of the troubles that come in our lives, but being able to stand up after it all makes us see our resiliency. And we can never know that we’ve gotten through all of those hardships when we do not experience pain. Without pain, we will never realize how truly wonderful life is and how great it is when the pain has stopped. Because in truth, it is not pain that’s keeping us from feeling happy, but our fear of actually experiencing pain.